Break-up 2019
I was out cracking
ice today. I find a lot of satisfaction in taking a long sharp blade and
dropping it onto the ice and watching sections break away. Today I wanted to
clear a place for the girls to play on the back patio. One small path was the
goal. But layers of melted and refrozen icicle drippings were in my way. So I
began where I could make a difference, on the outside edges were the sun had
been working its warmth. I found that I could simply slide the blade under the
edge and lift. Great big chunks of ice broke free it was so satisfying. But then
I got closer to the layers of frozen ice; hard thick and protected from the sun’s
influence. I could have spent my time chipping away inch by inch, but I then realized
that I had done enough today. I had started the break-up. I had weakened the frozen
path. I know that next time I will get
more done, with less effort- and less damage to myself if I let the sun help.
In the spring of
1999 I was trying to create a path in the ice during the Alaskan break-up. That’s
a real term up there. I took my younger kids up to my brother’s in Anchorage to
be with his kids when he flew to be together with his wife and Aimee. Their 5
year old was undergoing cancer treatment in Salt Lake City. I remember the
frustration as I chipped away at the cold hard ice covering the driveway. I
just knew that if I cleared a path that everything would be OK. Aimee would
come home. I could drive out of the driveway safely. I could go home to my
happy, healthy family. I remember being exhausted but feeling like the next blow
would be the one that shattered the ice and solved all the problems. I. Would. Not. Let. The. Ice. Defeat.
Me!!
Aimee did come
home, to live out the remainder days of her short life with her family. I
learned how to aim that big suburban backwards into the garage so I could get
out of the driveway safely. I did return home.
However that is I when I learned I would
never have the happy healthy family I had fought for. I found out that my
husband had hired the services of a companion in my absence. I knew he struggled with porn but in my naïve innocence
I never imagined he would take his proclivity into a real life interaction. I
was devastated, broken hearted and yet the hopeful resilient me thought if I
could just love him more, let him know I missed him enough when I was gone,
help him know he is valued and loved that we could work through this… I. Would.
Not. Let. The. Porn. Defeat. Me!!
20 years later I
realized that the ice had built up too high. The cold has kept me from finding
my clear path. I have done enough. It’s time for me to let the Son light my
life. He will continue to work His influence on others. I need to stop so that
I don’t do more damage to myself. I love my Savior and can feel his warm
enabling influence on me as I maneuver through this.
